(*If you're not in the UK, please feel free to insert a time zone appropriate introduction here).
Welcome to my blog; this is likely to be fairly brief (sound of much rejoicing) as it is my first foray. I'm surprised to find myself saying that, but more of that anon. First, we probably need to agree some house keeping rules. The toilets can be found here. We will break for lunch around 12 pm, which will be our chef's award winning "Fifty Shades of Beige" buffet. We are not expecting a fire drill. If the alarm should sound, please vacate the blog in an orderly fashion and congregate in the assembly area, which is Cliff Richard's website. We chose that venue in the hope that it may cause him to worry that an angry mob has arrived to lynch him for unspecified reasons.
I should also explain the name of the blog. Firstly, I am rather a fan of Sir Ozzy of Osbourne (its the title of an album of his), who is a great example of how far you can get in life with one notable talent, if you choose not to give a shit about anyone who says you can't. Secondly, its a title that could reasonably be applied to me at some points in my existence. It may not be hugely politically correct but, in the words of Randal Graves in "Clerks II", "I'm taking it back". ( if you haven't seen that film, see it, but watch "Clerks" first. You'll thank me).
I've just thought that I should have included a caveat before I said shit just up there. If you are a member of my family or are especially sensitive, or both (unlikely; most of my family are as sensitive as a rhinoceros in Kevlar body armour) I would suggest you do not read on. Although I shall endeavour to express myself without resorting to expletives , there are times when only a good "shit" will do. In future blogs, there will almost certainly be the odd "fuck" as well. There may even, rarely, be an even more offensive term, although in order to avoid frightening the horses I shall render this as "cnut". I can also pretty much guarantee there will be discourse on topics of a somewhat unsavoury nature, which you may find repellent/obscene/potentially legally actionable. I would be pleased if you choose to read on, but if you should mention in person how distasteful you find a particular blog, you will be subjected to a withering stare and a selection of the terms above of my choosing.
So, introductory prevaricating over. Why choose to write a blog? It never occurred to me; I didn't (and still don't) believe that I have anything to say that is diverting enough for anyone to go out of their way to read it. Blogs always seemed to me to be a vanity project, although many bloggers I have read have sod all to be vain about. There are really only so many discourses about a man's exciting adventures in the world of experimental and potentially fatal masturbation one can stomach. You can be hugely relieved to know this won't add to that number.
The main reason was that some of my Facebook friends indicated that they found some of my posts mildly diverting and that perhaps a blog would be amusing (we live in hope, rather than expectation) and may be a helpful outlet to work through my ongoing mental health issues (more on that on a later blog, presuming I manage another). I suspect the main motivation may have been "if we persuade him to start blogging, maybe he will stop posting this shite on here". Whichever it was, you know who you are, thank you for encouraging me and always remember you only have yourselves to blame.
I reckon that may do for an introductory preamble. This is only a starter, I don't want to overwhelm you all before the main course and have you leave feeling let down because you had no room for a puddi.....
Sorry, minor interruption required here. I am writing this at the home of my dearly loved partner, who is an incredible human being with the patience of a saint, a loving and caring disposition and a frankly terrifying Paddington stare (and a rather fabulous arse). She owns three cats. Willow is one of the aforementioned. She is an old lady (about 13 or 14, I think?) but still very healthy and daft and is very sweet, stunningly pretty and a gentle soul. She also does the rankest, all pervading, straight from the bowels of Beelezebub shits (told you there would be more shits) I have ever encountered (and I've met every one of mine). She's just visited the litter tray and I can feel the hairs from the back of my neck dripping down my spine. It also seems my body has forced my tonsils up my nose in a desperate bid to preserve life.
Sorry, where were we? Oh yes, ending introductory prevaricating and starting needlessly lengthy concluding. Feel free to give me feedback, but do be nice if you can, I have no difficulty accepting constructive criticism, in fact I would welcome it. If you feel the urge to troll me (and I know my friends would not), please reconsider and if you still choose to do so, firstly it would upset me and secondly I would make it my raison d'etre to give you unceasing abuse and arrange to have you offed. I know people, you know; I met Alan Minter once.
If you can put up with my apparent obsession with parentheses and semi colons, I shall see if I can do another of these soon. I may even learn how to make it a bit attractive, although I already feel I have exceeded my own expectations with hyperlinks.
I will leave you with a little piccie. I have mentioned on Facebook (too often) that I am making a bird table. Thus far, this has taken about 25+ hours, minus fag breaks (so about 3 hours) and is still not complete, but its nearly there. It has been hugely enjoyable and quite satisfying to make this with no plan other than "nail stuff together and see what happens". As a reward for reading this far, here's a world exclusive image of one of the "Game of Thrones" inspired, half finished roof end panels.
Note the artistic (accidental) backdrop of the template, jigsaw and sandpaper. Why a "Game of Thrones" bird table, you probably aren't asking? In which case I won't reply "why not?"
Until I can think of a vaguely interesting way to sign off, I'll just say thanks for reading.
Regards
D.O.A.M.
